Life changes....

The last 6 months have been life changing. Back on June 5th I had a miscarriage. I lost my 9 week old baby. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. If I didn't have my husband by my side and God, I don't know what I would have done. I was so excited for this baby, for this new life. To lose my baby was devastating. It took a while to get on with life. It's something I don't think I will ever 'get over,' but something I can get through.    

my lost baby- June 5, 2014

June 4th I woke up and had some light bleeding. I spent the day just relaxing in bed because I had my 9 week ultrasound the next morning. I woke up June 5th with a deathly, stabbing pain. My heart just fell because I knew what was happening. My daughter just looked at me as I was doubled over in pain. The bleeding had doubled. I didn't want to lose hope and figured I would figure out at my appointment what was up. 2 hours later I headed out to my doctors appointment. I had to sit throughout the nurse talk for an hour about how they work at this doctors office. I finally had my ultrasound. The ultrasound technician started the ultrasound and her face kind of dropped. I could tell by the picture of the bare uterus that I had lost my baby. I was devastated. I went home and just cried and put on gilmore girls and laid in bed with my daughter. My hopes for a second baby were dashed. Gone in a single instant. How would I go on?
My husband came home from work that night and we just hung out. Ryan told me "Nothing changed Emily, it's ok." And yeah nothing changed because my baby was not born. BUT something did change. I had already started praying for my baby. Dreaming about whether baby was a boy or girl. I personally believe baby was a boy. Telling Hailey all about being a big sister. Baby was mine, and that day I lost baby.
Just a week before I was in a room with other mothers and they were talking about miscarriages and how they had never had one and it's not a big deal and it doesn't really matter because there's nothing you can do about it. The day of my miscarriage that was all I could think about. These women who were talking were both pregnant. One really wanted their baby and the other just talked about how she never really wanted that baby. It was more just God's big joke. Hearing those words over and over in my head just made me angrier. God why would you take my baby when that lady didn't even want her's? I wanted my baby! I wanted that baby so bad. and the pain I went through from the miscarriage? Why? Why me? Well Why not me?
I felt betrayed by my own body. I felt like I was a horrible mother because I didn't save my own baby. I felt discouraged and devastated. I felt like I couldn't ever try again for another child because if it could happen once, why couldn't it happen again?  What was stopping my body from rejecting another child?    
They say you never get over a miscarriage, but you can get passed it. I am working towards that and hoping that one day my broken heart will be healed. For now I leave it in God's hands.